Hannah Card (2006

I first got pregnant at the end of October 2003 and was over the moon as me and Wayne had got married the month before, we had been trying for ages but as soon as we married it happened. I had a bad pregnancy and lost my baby at 8 weeks, I had to go in and have the baby removed, I got myself back on my feet and in May of the same year I was delighted to find out I was pregnant again, I was nervous but hoped for the best, I had another tough pregnancy with bleeding as I did with the first one, I lost my second baby at 12 weeks when I thought I had got past the unsafe period but I was wrong. Well I was down for a very long time after losing 2 babies in the space of 5 months, I managed to get back on my feet after having my second op to remove another baby. Well I left getting pregnant again for a whole year, it didn't happen anyway. Well last October (2005) I was late with my period and nervously did a test which came out positive, I was over the moon yet again but frightened deep down. I bled every week, had terrible sickness, so bad that I lost 2 stone in weight but each scanned proved to be fine and the baby was growing well, I had so many scans and even bled all over Christmas but still the baby was fine, I was scared to be too happy but as the months went on I thought that maybe I would actually get my baby this time. I bled up until 20 weeks and the 21 week scan showed a very active baby that seemed to wave at us, we were delighted and I felt a little better. We were told that it was a little girl and things settled for a little while. I started to feel the baby move at around 22 weeks and it felt wonderful. I still wouldn't let myself get too excited but as I passed 24 weeks I started to feel that I was going to be fine now as a baby becomes viable at 24 weeks. At 25 weeks I started to itch really badly yet the doctor who wasn't my doctor said it was just an allergy and wiped it under the carpet so to speak. I didn't feel well in myself yet no one seemed to be listening. Well, on the 25th of March we went and visited some good friends, I had put off travelling but I felt a bit better now and needed to get on with life seeing as I had spent my whole pregnancy resting with my feet up on doctors orders, and was now told I was ok to go about life as normal which was great. The baby was active the night before and right until the Saturday lunchtime which was when I felt her kick for the last time. I thought she was resting but as the day wore on I was starting to worry a little as she was usually active in the afternoons. We travelled home and I started to feel my temperature rising and the itching came back with a vengenance. It was almost midnight on the 25th and Wayne rushed me into the delivery suite as my temperature had gone through the roof. The midwife was taking ages to find a heartbeat and I knew deep down that she had gone. Then when she called in a doctor with the scanner I was scared to death. They tried 2 scanners and in the end I heard the words I was dreading, "I am so sorry but your baby has died". My world went numb, how could I lose my baby this late in my pregnancy after all I had gone through. I was sent home in the early hours of Sunday the 26th, Mothers day of all days. I was to come back in at 9.30 Sunday morning to be induced. They started to induce me at 10.30, the day wore on and I was feeling dizzy, sick, the room was spinning and all I could do was just lay there, the midwife was amazing, sponging me down as the drugs sent my temperature sky high. The next morning, Monday the 27th, I started to go into proper labour, my waters had to eventually be broken by the midwife and at 12.10pm Hannah came into the world, instead of hearing my baby cry there was a deathly silence and she was handed to me. She was a perfect baby, like gazing down at a little Angel, she weighed 1 pound 8 ounces and was 13 inches long which I was told was a good size for 26 weeks. The midwife took her away and dressed her in a tiny lemon cardigan with a daffodil on it, seeing as Hannah was half Welsh this seemed so appropiate, she also wore a tiny white knitted hat and we spent the day holding her. My mum, dad and brother came in and saw Hannah, also Wayne's mum spent time with her too, they all got a chance to hold her until eventually we had to part with her, that was the hardest thing ever, saying goodbye to my baby, the baby which should be awake and crying in my arms not being whisked away to the morturary, it all seemed unreal. Well I went home later that night, they wanted me to stay in but all I wanted was my own bed. The next day we had to register her death, the following day we went to see her in the chapel of rest, she was in a wooden crib and looked beautiful, just like she was sleeping, all I wanted her to do was wake up and cry for her mum. She was the image of Wayne and such a perfect baby. We went in again on the Thursday as Waynes sister wanted to see her, we had her dressed in a christening gown with a matching bonnet which she was to be buried in, it was a dolls outfit. When we should have been looking for baby clothes we were instead searching through toy shops for dolls clothes which was sad in itself. She was surrounded by teddies and personal items from us in her casket, I bought an Angel pin with daughter on it and pinned it on her dress, I said my goodbyes on that day as I couldn't face seeing her again after that as she was starting to discolour and it was too upsetting. Hannah Grace Card was finally laid to rest on the 6th of April, the sun shone and we were surrounded by those who cared about us the most, it went very well and I managed to hold myself together all day. A white cross with her picture on it marks her grave, surrounded by teddies, a rose bush, windmills and angels. Well, that is my story, I have just found out from the Consultant that Hannah died due to a seperation of the placenta, she was slowly starved of all the nutrients she needed and in the end the placenta couldn't sustain her any longer which is heartbreaking news. I am not going to give up, I will try again until we get the baby we so badly want. All we ask for is one child, yet they keep being taken away from us. I find it hard to look at babies at the moment and its all I seem to see, new mothers everywhere and it breaks my heart as all I want to be is a mother. I know I am a mother 3 times over, but I cant hold any of my babies. Hannah will never leave my memory, she was a perfect Angel and thats how she will always stay. OUR ANGEL.xx.

I would like to say a special thankyou to all the midwives at Southmead Hospital Bristol (Delivery Suite) for being amazing, the support and care that came from them was loving and caring to me and Wayne and especially Hannah. Also the Chaplin from the hospital who arranged everything and finally laid my Angel to rest. I send my thanks to all involved.

My Heart Will Go On

(Love Theme From 'Titanic')